Thoughts

I've had some pretty profound thoughts while holding Nathan in the middle of the night.  The funny thing is that when he finally falls asleep again (in his own bed - which takes a few tries sometimes) the last thing I want to do is stay awake and write it down or blog.

So now, after a fair night's rest, and Nathan taking his morning nap, only bits and pieces of those epiphanies come to mind.  I know that I've been amazed and a bit sad every time his shows signs of growing bigger.  He found his feet awhile ago, but now only sometimes plays with them.  Just three weeks ago he started to razz with his tongue and lips, and would do it 20 times or more a day.  Now, it's about once or twice that I notice him making that sound.  These fazes are fun, but go so quickly.  I don't want him to not grow or change, but it is hard to see those fun things go.

Part of the sadness is that my parents and brothers are missing these fun stages.  My parents saw him in his first few weeks, but not since.  My brothers have not yet seen him, and I have not yet seen my nephew, Aaron.  How spread apart, and distant we are now.

I've been feeling quite alone the last few days.  It's been an opportunity for me to think about my relationships, especially with God.  My family is far away, my friends are in Michigan, (I need to make some good friends here), my husband is busy with work (and will be gone for 5 days next week), Nathan doesn't give back much in our relationship, and I don't talk with God much.  Of course, I know this in my head, but it's hitting home again that no one else can provide all I need except God.

BIG pause there.  I had a lot of thoughts go by as I thought about what to write next.  I don't know.  Maybe it's hard to trust God again.  I want to "get" something out of what I'm reading in the Bible, or when I'm praying, but ... yeah... but.

Okay, I'm loosing a coherent train of thought here, so I'll just drift off to my own thoughts.  That's the gist of what is going on though.