Can I Have a Do-over?

Jon is in Pennsylvania this week, so I've been flying solo.  Last night I undercooked, and then burnt a cake for today's meeting (M.O.M.S.) at church.  I woke up with a splitting headache, and decided that it just wasn't meant to be.  Nathan had a fussy morning, so I didn't get a shower.  Since I wasn't going anywhere, that was fine.  But I like that soothing alone time, you know?

I fed Nathan rice cereal - this is day three of that.  He didn't like it very much, (of course this transition would be difficult - what did I expect.)  After I changed his clothes, he pooped in the new ones, and we changed him again.

He was still fussy, so I pulled out a toy that we hadn't used before.  It's a mat that is along the lines of a water bed.  There are spongy toys inside that move when you squish the water.  I filled it up in the sink upstairs, putting the hole right up against the spicket.  I thought I heard dripping.  I looked under the sink a couple of times, but didn't see any water.  I put the mat on the floor in his room, and ran to grab the camera downstairs.  To my dismay, the ceiling in the kitchen was leaking - onto my clean clothes still in a basket!  Nathan was not impressed by the toy, and was crying loudly upstairs, while I threw towels on the floor.

I scrambled to think of what to do.  Upstairs again, I saw that the water was not continuing to flow, but there was wetness underneath the sink.  I tried the faucet without the toy hooked to the faucet, and I did not hear the dripping sound, nor see anything. I called Jon, someone from church, and he called a plumber.  He said that type of faucet can't handle the extra pressure, but he didn't think pipes in the wall were in danger.  Okay - phew.  Meanwhile, Nathan had been screaming into the phone for whomever I'm talking to to hear, and my headache is still pounding.

He cried all afternoon, except when I took him shopping and he fell asleep.  He was happy chewing up the mail, but that was short-lived.  He cried while I watched him squirm in the high chair (he DID NOT want any cereal) and ate my dinner.  He grimaced when he peed on his face while I was chaning the PJ's he had just pooped in.  I decided that it would be a bath night, and only sighed when he peed on the clean towel while I filled the tub.

He's happier now, and playing with the water mat, trying to figure out how to pull out the plug.  Soon - hopefully - he will go to sleep.

Jon said to me today, "Isn't this week just flying by?"

.

Thoughts

I've had some pretty profound thoughts while holding Nathan in the middle of the night.  The funny thing is that when he finally falls asleep again (in his own bed - which takes a few tries sometimes) the last thing I want to do is stay awake and write it down or blog.

So now, after a fair night's rest, and Nathan taking his morning nap, only bits and pieces of those epiphanies come to mind.  I know that I've been amazed and a bit sad every time his shows signs of growing bigger.  He found his feet awhile ago, but now only sometimes plays with them.  Just three weeks ago he started to razz with his tongue and lips, and would do it 20 times or more a day.  Now, it's about once or twice that I notice him making that sound.  These fazes are fun, but go so quickly.  I don't want him to not grow or change, but it is hard to see those fun things go.

Part of the sadness is that my parents and brothers are missing these fun stages.  My parents saw him in his first few weeks, but not since.  My brothers have not yet seen him, and I have not yet seen my nephew, Aaron.  How spread apart, and distant we are now.

I've been feeling quite alone the last few days.  It's been an opportunity for me to think about my relationships, especially with God.  My family is far away, my friends are in Michigan, (I need to make some good friends here), my husband is busy with work (and will be gone for 5 days next week), Nathan doesn't give back much in our relationship, and I don't talk with God much.  Of course, I know this in my head, but it's hitting home again that no one else can provide all I need except God.

BIG pause there.  I had a lot of thoughts go by as I thought about what to write next.  I don't know.  Maybe it's hard to trust God again.  I want to "get" something out of what I'm reading in the Bible, or when I'm praying, but ... yeah... but.

Okay, I'm loosing a coherent train of thought here, so I'll just drift off to my own thoughts.  That's the gist of what is going on though.

Family Portraits

Well, that was an education.  It's been years since I've participated in a family portrait, and growing up we always did it at Walmart or somewhere similar.  I thought I had found a good deal at Sears, so we went there on Saturday.

It was a zoo.  There were kids everywhere, and the two photographers kept pushing us along, asking if we were done with the poses.  It was hot in that room, and Nathan was uncomfortable, so we eventually stripped him.  He was also sleepy, and then when we did get him to smile, he started chewing his tongue, which is a new thing.  So some of his grins looked quite goofy to me.

Choosing pictures was a painfully long process with another lady who was in a hurry.  Then the deal I thought I had found had a major catch to it, and we spent far more than I expected!  The main thing I wanted the rights to the pictures, and thought it was $9.99 or maybe a bit more.  Umm, no.  Try 199.99 if that was all we were going to buy.  The coupon said that we could get the CD for that amound in addition to buying a collection.  So, anyway, we didn't took the deal so that I could own the pictures.  And since we paid pretty pennies for them, you better believe we're going to share them.  Oh, wait, but then you will have already seen the pictures before you get them in the mail!  Hmm, what to do.

Well, here's a teaser.

Criticism and Vacation

I think of myself as a fairly easy-going person, but being a new mommy has exposed a decidedly uptight side of me.  At a Mom's group, I tried to explain how I've gone through trying to teach Nathan to take a bottle, but have given up, I distinctly picked up disapproval from the person I was talking to.  Her kids are all older now, so maybe she has forgotten the neurotic new mom sensitivities, but she when on to say how all her kids drank from the bottle.

The other day when I picked up a SCREAMING Nathan early from the nursery, the nursery worker said, "You have spoiled him."  Her tone was light, but she meant it at the same time.  I took him to nurse him, and fought back tears.  Am I doing something wrong?  I'm reading books, and asking questions, but it all seems to come down to what I feel is best, which might be very well what someone else may feel is not best. I know these things in my head, and yet when told I'm spoiling my son, it touches a very deep and sensitive part of me.  Even now I feel like I could cry about it, and the aching feeling that I'm all wrong.

Fast forward to me sitting by him as he lays in the bassinette hollering hysterically.  Up until now, I have taught him to fall asleep without nursing, but still being held. I have a book in one hand, which tells me that attachment parenting (which we've been doing) will make him feel the most secure.  A book in the other walks parents through the varied approaches of letting him cry it out.  I put my hand firmly on his chest, I talk to him, I let him see me and know he's not alone.  Other times I've walked away, and hated myself, so I figure this will be better.  After an hour, I pick him up and he shakes as he cries less and less in my arms, and then falls asleep.

Even writing that previous paragraph, I feel a sense of dread that I have exposed my parenting technique, and that that judgement will follow.  At the same time, I wish I had some advice.  Sigh.  So then there are choices about vaccinations, working, going to school, how he should be dressed, how he should sleep, how much he should be carried, sling or no sling, and how to get things done during the day.

There is at least one move that for now I don't have to make - limiting Nathan's exposure to TV.  Our TV broke awhile ago, so we've been watching shows online.  However, now that it is considerably less convenient, I've been "getting behind" as pathetic as that sounds.  I realized today that I haven't seen the last two episodes of "Flash Forward," one of "House" and one of "V."  I must be getting so much more done, although the house doesn't look it.  I do think I'm reading more, even though that is more difficult to do while nursing.

We just came back from the beach on Wednesday.  What a wonderful vacation.  (Although there was a TV, and we relapsed.)  Someone let us stay at their beach house at Myrtle Beach! Being the off season, it was not crowded at all, and we had some nice days.  Jon really needed the time away from work, and it was nice to have our first family vacation!  So the following are some recent pictures.

Vacation

You know how the last blog was about my scatterbrained thinking?  Well that is still going on.  I realized this as I just made about 8 loops around the house going from room to room to get something only to see something that reminds me to get something else, etc.  This time, it's vacation.  Jon needs it, and so do I.  But of course that means while he's at work, I'm preparing for it.  It is a big undertaking!  We are going to the beach for 5 days, defying the hurricane wind and rains that have been falling for the last few days.  (Will it ever stop?)  We are assured that it will be warm and sunny by Saturday, so that should work out.  We plan to leave tonight.

It's been on my mind to blog, but you know...

We went to Mt Airy last weekend.  This was the town on which the Andy Griffith show was based.

Nathan's sitting up abilities are limited byt allow for us to put him in the high chair while we eat.

"Yeah!  It's yime to eat!!!"

The boy has found his feet.

And he finds them and finds them again.  He does it in his sleep!

He is showing signs of teething, so we gave him a cold carrot.  Thanks for the suggestion, Mom!

Nathan finds shopping either boring or upsetting.  I prefer the former. 

His royal cuteness.

Concentrate already!

My brain is so scattered.  I walk upstairs with the intent on uploading pictures, or was it blogging, or was it working on the bumper pad I'm making?  I decide to walk over the scraps of fabric and upload pictures.  While they are uploading, I log into Shutterfly to see my progress on a photo book I'm making.  I also sign in to Facebook, Hotmail and Blogger.  Each time I sign in, I flip to another tab while that one is loading or refreshing.  I then remember that I still have a tab open with the rest of the latest episode from Flash Foward (which I was watching earlier because I missed it on Thursday).  I watch the last three minutes, and then go back to all the other open tabs.  Then I remember the pictures, and decide to organize them.  After I name all of them and put the videos in the right place, I think again about buying a video editing program so that I can make a home video of all the little videos I've taken.  I then think about our poor video camera that no longer works, and I wonder if that would be a good gift idea.  I am about to go to Amazon.com, and then remember about blogging.  And then I remember that I have not finished organizing the pictures.  I always put copies of the best ones in a "best of" folder.  After this I plan to blog - if I can think of anything to write.  Then I remember it is the end of the month, and I should check my bank - no make that banks because we have two now.  I really need to get online access to the second.  I need to finish the budget, and start the next one.  Oh, and it is the end of October, and I don't have Halloween candy. 

Okay, make a list - from my stream of thought... 
Blog post
upload pictures
organize pictures
download pictures
(do the last four in the opposite order)
finish October budget
start November budget
upload pictures to Facebook
upload pictures to Shutterfly
work on photo book
work on Christmas gifts
look at the budget for Christmas gifts
weed the garden one last time
scrape and repaint the outside windows
sweep and mop - the floors are BAD
scrub the tub
bathroom in general
make quilt sqares for bumper pad
buy drill bits for the new drill which I can't use yet
put up safety gear around the house with the drill and bits
figure out if the steam cleaner works
(someone help me stop!)
decide on paint colors for every room in the house
make a new quilt
sign up for that last class I need for the add on license
Call Michigan's goverment and find out what happened to my renewal license

...or watch a movie. 


When I started this post, I figured all I would have to write about would be how Nathan fought the bottle for a half an hour.  I finally gave in and he fell asleep.  Hmm, that would have been only two sentences.  Oh, and the dinner I made was expensive and exotic, and a flop.

Here's the picture I wanted to show you.  Nathan sat by himself today!  And he only fell over and hit his head on the entertainment center once!

I get the feeling I wrote this blog post out of order, like the ending was first.  But since that is how my brain is working, I'll leave it like that. 

Doctor Visit

Yesterday was Nathan's 4 month check-up appointment.  We were in the well-children's waiting room, and like a typical Monday morning, it was busy.  I gave myself plenty of space from the other moms and kids, probably for the sake of germs.  As I sat there, I heard one mom complaining about a headache, feeling achy and not feeling good. Another lady told her it was probably H1N1 as her toddler was running back and forth between her and the toy station. Another mom came in who had the most uptight demeanor about her. She looked anxiously around at number of people in the room, and sat her two kids down in chairs as far away from others as possible. Her two year old jumped up to play with the toy station with the other kids. The mom clearly disapproved, but didn't say no to her child. Instead, she hovered by the toys, watching each child. When the mom in the corner complained again about not feeling good, her eyebrows shot up and she looked around to see if anyone else was concerned. I was amused, but keenly aware that I would probably be that mom if Nathan was old enough to be running around. The whole vaccine issue, especially the H1N1, has us talking and we still don't know what to do.

Well, Nathan was happy and standing on my legs and cooing at teenage girls in the room. He had them charmed. The poor kid had a rough day after that, however. They weighed him – he is now 16 lbs, 3 oz! That puts him in the 95^th percentile for his age! I understand from my mom that Aaron, Nathan's cousin, now weighs 16 lbs, and is in the 5^th percentile for his age (9 months). He is a big boy.

I asked the doctor all sorts of questions, and he looked him over. There was a fold of skin (on an area that we won't talk about) that we had been concerned about, and the doctor said that it had started to fuse together. Quickly, he pealed the layers apart, which caused Nathan to go from a happy cooing child, to a shocked and then betrayed unhappy one.

Then it was time for the vaccines. Up until now, he has not had any. I was going to wait to start until he was 6 months. I've been reading and reading about this, and decided to start a few of the more important vaccines now. (Pc and HIB) I wanted to avoid having more than one vaccine with aluminum given in any one visit. This was based on recommendations or suggestions from a couple sources, including Dr. Sears. There was a combo vaccine, Pentacel that I asked not be given with Pc, and they found a HIB only vaccine for me. So, when the time came, I stood by Nathan's head as the needle went in. It hurt my heart to see him in so much distress, so I only sort of noticed that the doctor paused and did not push the liquid in. He pulled out the needle, and put the other needle in. After this, he said he hadn't given him the first one because it was Pentacel. Not that this would have killed him, but it was upsetting. I think he realized I was upset before I did, because he was very gentle in explaining what had happened and asked if I was okay. Nathan got the HIB vaccine in the other leg, so just when he was getting over the first two, he went through it again. Trauma.

By the time I got home, I was agitated, and frustrated. I should have checked the needles, and package insert. I should have asked for the lot number and written it down before it happened. I just forgot in the moment. I am thankful that the doctor caught it. I talked to Jon who told me to take a deep breath, and my mom who told me it was going to be okay. I knew that, but it was still a difficult day with Nathan crying because his legs hurt, as well as the sensitive skin that had been re-exposed. I joked with my mom in asking if I should take his temperature every hour, or half an hour, - but in reality I did check it often. After hours of fussiness and crying, I called the doctor to see if there was anything I could do for him. They suggested infant Tylenol, so we went to the store.

The medicine did not really go down, because I gave it to him directly, instead of in the bottle (which he won't take). He tasted it and then pushed most of it back out, but I think a little went down. It didn't seem to help much, but as long as we didn't touch his legs, or make him stand on them, he was calm. Nathan has such a serious expression at times anyway, but last night he looked as if all the good times in life were over. He sat there and looked at us every once in awhile giving a halfway smile. Poor poor kid.

Bottles and food

Okay, it's been awhile.  Every time I try to sit down and write, Nathan wakes up.  He just fell asleep after crying for an hour while I tried to encourage a bottle.  He just plain hates it.  We're on our third type of bottle, and this one looks funny.  The whole bottle is like the nipple, and then the base has a place to unscrew to put in the milk with the bottle upside down.  It allows for a more pliable nipple.  This new one is much more authentic-feeling, but he knows the difference.  He wants to nurse.  This is fine, except it really limits the ability to get a babysitter.  So we suffer through bottle practice about once a day.  Some days are better than today - I'm not sure he even swallowed half an ounce (or 20 mL).  He was tired and just wanted to nurse to fall asleep.  It wasn't time for him to be really hungry yet. 

Let's see, this last week I've been working on Christmas gifts - making some, and buying others.  I'm so excited about Christmas this year, more so than I have in quite some time.  I think part of it is that it is Nathan's first.  I will also see my family, and it seems like it has been a long time.  It has been a year since I've seen David and Kate, and I haven't met Aaron yet! 

I am looking forward to Christmas cooking too.  We were cracking nuts last night to make apple dumplings - a very fall thing to do.  I now know why we (in my family) never made them.  They are incredibly frustrating to make  - at least the crust part.  The first one looked something like it was supposed to, and then the crust kept breaking apart when I folded it, so that in the end I was just smooshing it to the apple.  Yummy though. Now I will start on the pumpkins.  Pumpkin bread is first, then maybe muffins and pie. 

 My mind is on food, I guess.  I have this baby food book that has recipes for the first year and beyond.  This author is way out there on the health nut scale, however.  I've never heard of kombu (a type of seaweed) which this author suggests adding to cereals such as millet, kamut and quinoa.  Well, we'll see.  Anyway we'll start foods in December.

Okay and he's awake, and in my lap, and bored, so I'll stop typing one handed.  Here are some more cute pictures. (The last one is of Jon on his birthday wearing my mom's gift to him - a Dr. Who scarf!)

Smiles!

This last weekend, my mother-in-law came to visit. We wanted to go to a wedding on Saturday, and asked if she would want to come. In retrospect, however, she likely would have declined if she had known how unhappy he would be while we were gone. Not only does he act like he's teething lately, but he still refuses to take a bottle or pacifier. At the beginning, he did better with the bottle, so I honestly thought that if he got hungry enough, he would take the bottle. Wrong there. (The wedding was so much fun though!)

He recovered, though. To prove that we didn't permanently damage him or starve him, here are some pictures we took when it was so pretty outside and Nathan was beside himself with smiles.

Apple Picking

On September 29th, Jon took the day off of work. He told me the day before, and I felt such relief. I hadn't realized how much I had wanted to avoid being alone that day. It marked two years since my two youngest brothers, Josh and Timothy had been killed in a car accident. Last year I was with my family, and we went to the grave together. I remember thinking that that day wasn't as hard as I had expected it to be. It was almost as if the 28th had been harder. This year, again, the actual 29th was not as awful as I feared. I couldn't be with my family in Michigan, but we spend the day together as our new little family. It was good to mark the day with something. I can't talk much more about that at the moment though.

So here is what we did.

Jon researched and found an apple orchard in the mountains. It started off as a chilly, but pretty day. We dressed Nathan up warmly, and then took off!

I've noticed that we do not have many family pictures. I took this picture at the orchard, and rested it on the hood of the car. The original was quite squee-hawed, but I fixed it here. (he he he, there's a story to that word.)

As you can see, Nathan was very impressed with the trees.

It looks like the patterns on my jacket sleeve were more interesting than the view.

Jon, incidentally doesn't like apples - raw anyway. He likes them in pies. So this trip was certainly more for my benefit than his. But you should have seen his face light up when the person at the orchard gave us directions to a certain kind of apples. He asked us if we had four wheel drive. Jon loved that part!



None of the trees were beautiful. In fact they were quite ugly. They weren't what I had in mind with the Garden of Eden (if that was even an apple anyway). I also had Anne of Avonlea in my head where Anne and that strict headmistress lady are picking apples. That was a pretty tree. The fruit was not shiny and spotless like at the store either. It made me think about they days when kids would bring shiny big apples for their teacher. The reason that was special was because those used to be rather rare!

So those were my deep apple ponderings.

Nathan just fell asleep, and so I've snuck upstairs to finally blog. I thought I would post some pictures....


...Well an hour later I'm back at the computer. I started to look through pictures to post, and Nathan woke up with some spit-up and upset stomach. He's happy and talking to Daddy now, so I came back upstairs.

I've come up with another nickname for Nathan. I was reading some information about the evil fattening effects of Ben & Jerry's, along with other ice cream, and liked the name Chunky Monkey! This nickname joins others that I think are just fun to say, even if they don't exactly make sense. "Chickadee" is for when he is all smiles. "Snickerdoodle" is for when I want him to be happy. We both call him "brown boy" at various times for fun, along with Mr. Chubby, Mr. Smelly and Mr. Cranky. No nickname has really stuck, but we're having fun for now. Oh, and how could I forget? Bobblehead!

Labor Day weekend was the first that I noticed him try to reach for something. He was staring open-mouthed drooling at a checkered place mat, and then waved his hand until he struck it. Now, just a few weeks later, he has put this skill to use. He has a voracious appetite for this book, for example.

P.S. Obviously I'm still struggling with this blogging formatting. Does everyone else know the html language besides me? I feel like I'm still in culture shock, facing a language barrier that looks like: ... (Oh, forget it. I tried to copy and paste the language, but it refuses to show up. I am not going to try and type it. grrrr.)

Things Nathan Likes

I've been having a hard time getting around to writing on this blog. I still look forward to doing it, but I feel some sense of wanting to say something meaningful when sometimes there is not much meaningful thoughts left in my head. I have figured this much out. It will be so so much harder when Nathan is a little toddler and another baby comes along. Whew! (We're not expecting or anything though, by the way.)




Nathan loves this mirror. But mostly he likes the lion face. Sometimes he will actually look at his reflection, but does not find that as amusing.









Another thing he seems to like is this dinosaur book. The first page crinkles and all the pages have cloth textures to touch. He doesn't reach for the pictures yet. Sunday at small group he sat on my lap during prayer, and cooed at the dinosaurs during the whole time. It was quite cute.







At the end of August, when he was two months old, I had an offer from Shutterfly to make a free book. I just had to pay for shipping. I had neglected to read my emails for awhile, and had ignored this one until the day before the offer expired! So very quickly, I put together a book about Nathan including all my pregnant belly pictures. It turned out quite well, aside from the grammar errors that were a result of hasty publishing. He won't care. And by the time he will care, we can use it as a hands on editing and revising lesson! (Oh, and notice the spit up that is about to shoot out his mouth. Jon caught this great shot)





Here is another great spit up shot, along with some hair grabbing. The spit up got all over by the time I disentangled myself.











He is growing fast - that's for sure! He can't sit up by himself yet, but sits well with some support. The thing he still hates is tummy time. Oh well.

Blow Out

I'm sure just about every mom has a story like this one. Nathan was waking up yesterday morning (for the second time) and I could hear him working on something. From the bathroom, I kept peeking in the bedroom, and I could see his feet stick straight up in the air every once in awhile. Eventually he decided that he really did want to be picked up, and I went over to get him. He greeted me with a smile, which melted my heart. When I picked him up, though, he cried out like he was uncomfortable. Then I felt that my hand was wet. I took him over to the changing table, and began to operate. I found that he had pooped up the back and out the sides. So it was very difficult to not smear him as I wrestled the tight fitting clothes over his head. (I'm sort of in denial that we have to move on to 3-6 month clothes) Once I got him "necked" (as they say here) I wiped him again, and trotted upstairs. I filled the bath, and set him in, when suddenly the bath water turned a murky yellow. He had pooped again – without any of the usually grunting warnings! So out of the bath he went, and laid on the towel while I emptied the bath, cleaned the bath, and refilled it. Thankfully he was cooing happily while he waited. This time we made it, and got him dressed. Later in the day he blew out another diaper, ruined another set of clothes, and got another bath, but the water stayed clear. Fun memories.










Later that evening, Nathan woke up with a tummy ache.










So, Daddy joined along.












This is our favorite expression when he is upset. It is just so hard to catch with this camera.










We still love you, Nathan!

P.S. I'm still having formatting problems. Sorry. :-)