Sleep

Well, I haven't written in awhile.  I've been busy.  But Nathan just fell asleep, crying, in his crib, so I thought I would take the time to write. (Oh, and I threw in some pictures from our time in Michigan.  Dad took these.)  

So for a few weeks now, I've been doing a modified "Ferberizing" method of "crying it out."  When I started out on this whole parenting journey, this is precisely what I DID NOT want to do.  Based on the first parenting book I read by Dr. Sears, I wanted him to know deep inside that I would be there when he needed something.  He would not be or feel abandoned.  Even if he cried and cried, at least he knew he was not alone.  The result?  I am his security blanket.  He will wrap his arms around my forearm, put his mouth on my skin and fall asleep.  But I thought all this reassurance would eventually allow for him to sleep in his bed, secure in the fact that if he needed me, I would be there.

Up until about November, I was able to tell people proudly that yes, he was sleeping through the night.  (That must be one of the measures of a good parent.)  To our prolonged disappointment, he would wake up three times in the night at least, and only fall asleep if he was with us in bed.  So at Christmas, at my parents we started Ferberizing in earnest, although I wouldn't leave him alone to cry.  He could still see me, hear me, and taste me because I let him hold my arm.  Bent over the crib for an hour is not ideal, however.  So two nights ago, after he woke up at 1:30, crying like the world was ending, I comforted him - but made him stay in his crib for an hour.  Then I gave up.  I went and crawled in bed with the monitor on, listening to his breaking heart.  Jon held me, and we told ourselves it was for his good, and ours.  He needed to learn to comfort himself, to sleep through the night.  I needed rest.

But as I checked on him every ten minutes or so, and tried to give him water or rubbed his back, I thought about how this relates to my relationship with God.  Does God do Dr. Sears' method or Dr. Ferber?  Does he want me to cling to him all the time, or learn to comfort myself?  Does he always comfort me, or does he let me cry it out?  Does he need to take a break from me?  When I cry, am I alone, or comforted by God always?  What is it that I am trying to teach him anyway?  (It sure seems like he would - or maybe should be a Dr. Sears kind of parent)

I've cried real tears over this and I don't know what to do.  I do know this, that I am not God, and I do need some sleep.  However, part of being a Mommy is being constantly reminded that I am at heart a selfish creature.  Every time I get up with Nathan, I am serving as unto the Lord, even though I'm not sure which side he would take for child rearing.  Help me, Lord, to be a servant, and a model, but also set good guidelines for Nathan.  Amen.  Time for a nap....And,he just woke up!