Can I Have a Do-over?

Jon is in Pennsylvania this week, so I've been flying solo.  Last night I undercooked, and then burnt a cake for today's meeting (M.O.M.S.) at church.  I woke up with a splitting headache, and decided that it just wasn't meant to be.  Nathan had a fussy morning, so I didn't get a shower.  Since I wasn't going anywhere, that was fine.  But I like that soothing alone time, you know?

I fed Nathan rice cereal - this is day three of that.  He didn't like it very much, (of course this transition would be difficult - what did I expect.)  After I changed his clothes, he pooped in the new ones, and we changed him again.

He was still fussy, so I pulled out a toy that we hadn't used before.  It's a mat that is along the lines of a water bed.  There are spongy toys inside that move when you squish the water.  I filled it up in the sink upstairs, putting the hole right up against the spicket.  I thought I heard dripping.  I looked under the sink a couple of times, but didn't see any water.  I put the mat on the floor in his room, and ran to grab the camera downstairs.  To my dismay, the ceiling in the kitchen was leaking - onto my clean clothes still in a basket!  Nathan was not impressed by the toy, and was crying loudly upstairs, while I threw towels on the floor.

I scrambled to think of what to do.  Upstairs again, I saw that the water was not continuing to flow, but there was wetness underneath the sink.  I tried the faucet without the toy hooked to the faucet, and I did not hear the dripping sound, nor see anything. I called Jon, someone from church, and he called a plumber.  He said that type of faucet can't handle the extra pressure, but he didn't think pipes in the wall were in danger.  Okay - phew.  Meanwhile, Nathan had been screaming into the phone for whomever I'm talking to to hear, and my headache is still pounding.

He cried all afternoon, except when I took him shopping and he fell asleep.  He was happy chewing up the mail, but that was short-lived.  He cried while I watched him squirm in the high chair (he DID NOT want any cereal) and ate my dinner.  He grimaced when he peed on his face while I was chaning the PJ's he had just pooped in.  I decided that it would be a bath night, and only sighed when he peed on the clean towel while I filled the tub.

He's happier now, and playing with the water mat, trying to figure out how to pull out the plug.  Soon - hopefully - he will go to sleep.

Jon said to me today, "Isn't this week just flying by?"

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Thoughts

I've had some pretty profound thoughts while holding Nathan in the middle of the night.  The funny thing is that when he finally falls asleep again (in his own bed - which takes a few tries sometimes) the last thing I want to do is stay awake and write it down or blog.

So now, after a fair night's rest, and Nathan taking his morning nap, only bits and pieces of those epiphanies come to mind.  I know that I've been amazed and a bit sad every time his shows signs of growing bigger.  He found his feet awhile ago, but now only sometimes plays with them.  Just three weeks ago he started to razz with his tongue and lips, and would do it 20 times or more a day.  Now, it's about once or twice that I notice him making that sound.  These fazes are fun, but go so quickly.  I don't want him to not grow or change, but it is hard to see those fun things go.

Part of the sadness is that my parents and brothers are missing these fun stages.  My parents saw him in his first few weeks, but not since.  My brothers have not yet seen him, and I have not yet seen my nephew, Aaron.  How spread apart, and distant we are now.

I've been feeling quite alone the last few days.  It's been an opportunity for me to think about my relationships, especially with God.  My family is far away, my friends are in Michigan, (I need to make some good friends here), my husband is busy with work (and will be gone for 5 days next week), Nathan doesn't give back much in our relationship, and I don't talk with God much.  Of course, I know this in my head, but it's hitting home again that no one else can provide all I need except God.

BIG pause there.  I had a lot of thoughts go by as I thought about what to write next.  I don't know.  Maybe it's hard to trust God again.  I want to "get" something out of what I'm reading in the Bible, or when I'm praying, but ... yeah... but.

Okay, I'm loosing a coherent train of thought here, so I'll just drift off to my own thoughts.  That's the gist of what is going on though.