The other day when I picked up a SCREAMING Nathan early from the nursery, the nursery worker said, "You have spoiled him." Her tone was light, but she meant it at the same time. I took him to nurse him, and fought back tears. Am I doing something wrong? I'm reading books, and asking questions, but it all seems to come down to what I feel is best, which might be very well what someone else may feel is not best. I know these things in my head, and yet when told I'm spoiling my son, it touches a very deep and sensitive part of me. Even now I feel like I could cry about it, and the aching feeling that I'm all wrong.
Fast forward to me sitting by him as he lays in the bassinette hollering hysterically. Up until now, I have taught him to fall asleep without nursing, but still being held. I have a book in one hand, which tells me that attachment parenting (which we've been doing) will make him feel the most secure. A book in the other walks parents through the varied approaches of letting him cry it out. I put my hand firmly on his chest, I talk to him, I let him see me and know he's not alone. Other times I've walked away, and hated myself, so I figure this will be better. After an hour, I pick him up and he shakes as he cries less and less in my arms, and then falls asleep.
Even writing that previous paragraph, I feel a sense of dread that I have exposed my parenting technique, and that that judgement will follow. At the same time, I wish I had some advice. Sigh. So then there are choices about vaccinations, working, going to school, how he should be dressed, how he should sleep, how much he should be carried, sling or no sling, and how to get things done during the day.
There is at least one move that for now I don't have to make - limiting Nathan's exposure to TV. Our TV broke awhile ago, so we've been watching shows online. However, now that it is considerably less convenient, I've been "getting behind" as pathetic as that sounds. I realized today that I haven't seen the last two episodes of "Flash Forward," one of "House" and one of "V." I must be getting so much more done, although the house doesn't look it. I do think I'm reading more, even though that is more difficult to do while nursing.
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We just came back from the beach on Wednesday. What a wonderful vacation. (Although there was a TV, and we relapsed.) Someone let us stay at their beach house at Myrtle Beach! Being the off season, it was not crowded at all, and we had some nice days. Jon really needed the time away from work, and it was nice to have our first family vacation! So the following are some recent pictures. .JPG)
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Don't let anyone tell you that you are spoiling Nathan at less than a year old!! Or at least don't accept it as truth!!
ReplyDeleteYou can't spoil a baby. Babies need their mommies. Nathan needs his mommy, and you are the one for him.
I'm so sorry that someone said that to you even in jest. At the same time, I remember the angst of being a mommy of a seemingly overly needy baby. He will grow out of it and be comfortable without having you in his presence all the time.
Everyone is different, and that includes babies. Some are more fearful than others and need more reassurance. That's OK.
As far as getting him to sleep not in your arms, well, it would be convenient if that could happen soon. It will eventually happen, but until then...
Remember he has progressed from needing to fall asleep nursing to falling asleep just being held. That is what that word implies: progress.
You are a good mother and you will improve over time as well. It's a very good thing that you don't have to know all about all the stages before they happen. For that matter, all of us who are parents had to learn by books, advice and by trial and error. You won't parent perfectly, just like no human has ever parented perfectly. Just keep talking with Jon and be in agreement over your methods, and you will make it. Nathan will grow up and learn about life and Jesus and everything else that is necessary...in time.
Love you,
Mom
I know some people look down on us because we don't let Aaron "cry it out" but doesn't work for us (if we let him cry too long, he will throw up and then we have to get him up, give him a bath and clean clothes and sheets). As far as the whole bottle thing goes... that's just silly, if he won't take it, he won't take it! At least you are nursing... I wasn't able to, but some moms look down on that and think I "didn't try hard enough." There are many different ways to raise a healthy, well-adjusted child, just because someone wrote a book, doesn't mean they know everything!
ReplyDeletelove,
Kate
Kristina, what it comes down to is what works best for you and Nathan. Do what you feel in your heart is best for him. I rocked both my babies to sleep every night, and they turned out fine. They are secure, happy children. They knew momma was there whenever they needed me, and I took a lot of guff for not letting them "cry it out". I didn't care. I did what I wanted to do as a mother, and despite the criticism that ensued, it worked for us. I didn't ever want my children to think they would cry and I would not come for them. I know it meant less sleep for me sometimes, but it was worth it. I think that my doing that with them may be the reason that they trust me so much now, and they both can talk to me about anything.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kate...the bottle thing is stupid. I tried nursing Parker for WEEKS and he would not do it, so we had to give him a bottle. I got a lot of nasty comments over that, but again, we did what we had to do...he couldn't starve. If Nathan won't take a bottle now, you are NOT spoiling him, and I echo your mom in the fact that I'm sorry someone had the audacity to tell you that. At some point he may take a bottle, but right now, he just wants you, and that's wonderful. Keep trying once in a while, and maybe he'll decide it's not so bad.
Just keep doing what you're doing, and don't listen to the criticism. What worked for them, may not work for you. What you are doing with Nathan is best for you. You're a great mommy, and you're doing fine.
Love, Kathy
Stop worrying what other people think!!!!!!! Sister's son never took bottle--he would starve himself when she was at work. Always thot a baby would eat *anything* when hungry--not him.
ReplyDeleteIf there's one thing that I've learned about parenting it's this: You do what you need to do to survive. Especially without family around. And a husband that works crazy hours (Jeremy works nights). Don't let anyone look down on you and don't let them get you down. They have no idea what it's like to be you, to be the mother to Nathan, to be in the situation you are in. No one else.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, Grayson never took a bottle. It was frustrating, obviously, but each and every time I saw it as a blessing, the bond I was creating with him.
We all have moments as a mom where we doubt what we are doing, how we are doing. Mommy guilt is real and difficult. But, from what I know about you as a friend and roommate, you are doing a fabulous job. Hang in there, Kristina.
Melissa